People today, understandably, pass severe judgment on the old legal classification of illegitimacy. One of its original purposes was actually to discourage people from having children out of wedlock and to encourage marriage. Social sensibility, however, has gradually come to realize the absurdity of penalizing innocent children for being born out of wedlock. In few jurisdictions now does the status of illegitimate children differ from that of the legitimate. Although the stigma on children has thankfully eroded, however, it is not evident that more parents are accepting mutual responsibility for all their children by committing themselves to marriage. In fact, civil and Church weddings have declined sharply in recent years.

So long as the notion of annulment as some kind of an eraser of marriage and its responsibilities persists, no doubt, some people may fear their children or grandchildren will lose something in the process, even if they know the word "bastard" is archaic. But children once legitimate will always be the legitimate sons and daughters of a couple, no matter what happens to the status of their marriage or their personal lives. Whatever legal and moral obligations they have acquired as parents remain.

An annulment then is no escape from responsible parenthood. Some may be unaware that, according to Canon Law, though a person may have received an annulment, it may not be permissible to attempt another marriage unless it is firmly established that responsibilities to a former spouse and to the children of a former marriage are being met. Moral and legal obligations such as alimony, maintenance and support, child custody and visitation, academic and religious education, and the like, remain. In other words, a person with a decree of invalidity may not walk away from his or her moral or legal obligations. To insure this, before assisting at a second Church marriage, the priest or deacon must obtain specific permission from the Bishop of the Diocese. This is normally done through the Tribunal, which makes an investigation to see whether or not the person who wants to re-marry is in fact fulfilling these obligations. This is not the only way in which the Church tries to protect the rights of children and former spouses.

In the face of an annulment, people often confront a dilemma on how to explain it to their children. Understandably, It bothers them if they feel they must somehow "explain away" their marriage. But they do not have to say this at all because it simply is not true. In fact, an annulment can become a learning process. What they need to do is explain, perhaps more by example than words, that the way they were living in the marriage was not what a sacramental marriage should be. To put it another way, they have a tremendous opportunity to protect their children from a poor, or inadequate "marriage school" by living out for them a better one.

People have often tried, sometimes heroically, to hold a troubled marriage together "for the sake of the children." Despite their best intentions, however, the result could be that children suffer even more from witnessing the prolongation of violence, hatred or neglect, learning to imitate the questionable example set by their parents. We might think twice today about an "adviser" who would encourage a battered wife to continue tolerating the physical and emotional brutality of an abusive spouse in front of the children. And the "adviser" might want to contemplate the risk of a malpractice suit!

Now surprisingly, although "cruel and inhuman treatment" is grounds for a divorce in many jurisdictions (New York being one), it is not grounds for an annulment. It is certainly cause enough for a separation, if for no other reason than the physical safety of the children. It may well be that a marriage plagued by this kind of violence is invalid for other reasons. A party removing her or his children from such violence is teaching them a valuable lesson in self-respect, human dignity and the responsibility not to tolerate or enable violence and abuse to continue.

A similar service can be rendered children by parents with courage to confront what has been, at heart, a dishonest or very unhealthy relationship. They may show such courage by agreeing to seek out professional counseling, realizing that their relationship is not sustainable without some intervention. Showing their children to accept responsibility for failure or human inadequacy can be a valuable sign of an even greater spiritual and psychological strength and a demonstration that growth, though difficult, is possible with the proper insight and assistance. If counseling and prayerful reflection are not able to bring about the desired insight, reconciliation or healing, it may be that the roots of such growth were never securely planted in the first place. Should an annulment then be considered, it might be one of the most honest and courageous decisions a couple can make; it help their children learn what marriage is not supposed to look like.

Responsible parenting means showing children how true marriage involves a give and take, the capacity to compromise, a dedication to growth in friendship with one's spouse, a respect for his or her equality as a human being, an ability to resolve conflicts peaceably, financial and sexual responsibility, and a host of other things children need to learn if they are to grow to be responsible adults capable of marriage themselves. In an annulment process, many of these issues are squarely confronted in a way that the divorce process cannot touch. When appropriate, going through this process and learning from it can become a gift to the children. Instead of taking something from them, it can give them the tools to make better marital decisions than their parents did.